Kabuki Coup?

By Ribbit

We take it for granted that our quadrennial cycle of executive upheaval has so far yielded few serious threats to the constitutional order. But we must now confront the true and terrifying ground of that order, something we haven’t seriously considered since before the Civil War, but which now obtrudes itself onto our consciousness with all the force and immediacy of a genuine crisis: our vaunted rule of law, that glorious fabric spun from the most durable silks of antiquity, is but a gossamer web. It persists only by the artifice of our faith, a faith more delicate than the sheerest butterfly wing. And when powerful opportunists begin worrying at that thread — tugging its frayed ends and spoiling its fine texture — they threaten to unravel the whole tapestry.

It may well be that McConnell’s reluctance to acknowledge Biden’s win is pure theatre. It may well be that William Barr merely “humors” Trump by authorizing probes into election fraud before the states have even certified the votes, in direct contravention of established DoJ policy. It may well be that Secretary of State Pompeo spoke in jest when he opined about a smooth transition to a new Trump regime. But giving the appearance of support to Trump’s corruption, and failing to repudiate his efforts to steal the election, only inflames the ardor of his cultists by lending credence to his baseless claims. They may well discover that miming all the forms and manners of a coup actually ends up producing one.

For what it’s worth, I believe that most elite Republicans are rational enough to recognize the danger in this, but fear alienating Trump’s zombies before the January runoffs in Georgia. But that’s cold comfort in a world where appearance tends to create its own reality. Whom do you suppose McConnell will choose, if and when Trump crosses the Rubicon?

Shocking Trade: FoxNews Sends Herschel Walker To OAN For Draft Picks and Anchor Alex Salvi

Herschel Walker and Alex Salvi will trade networks.

By Croak,

WASHINGTON, DC — In a move sure to send shockwaves through the conservative media world, FoxNews has traded frequent contributor Herschel Walker to One American News Network (OAN) for an unprecedented draft haul. FoxNews will acquire the rights to all of OANs 1st and 2nd round draft picks for the next three news cycles. They also gained a 2021 6th round pick, a 2023 conditional 3rd pick, and OAN anchor Alex Salvi who was included to make the deal work under the league’s salary cap rules.

Walker, a current star of conservative media, will bolster OANs push for postelection ratings with his experience as a successful athlete in several concussion inducing sports, criticism of the leftwing media’s hypocrisy on race, and a 4.35 in the 40. Walker will also help deflect criticisms of OANs lack of diversity in their lineup.

For Fox, the move marks a capitulation on the current news cycle. With veteran contributors such as Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson unable to get the channel into the postelection cycle, Fox looks to rebuild for the future. With black contributors Juan Williams and Donna Brazile already onboard, Fox felt that Walker was one piece they should maximize their return on.

Fox also picks up once promising first round draft pick Salvi, who has disappointed during his time at OAN, with many OAN fans labeling him a “bust”. While the stiff haired anchor is unlikely to find a spot on Fox’s already crowded rotation, he may still prove useful in spot situations and as a utility FoxNews website contributor.

When reached for comment on his decision to trade Walker, News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch responded “we thank Herschel for all of his contributions, but at this time, we feel good about the record of success organizations have had when trading him.”

Dr. Fauci To Allergy Sufferers: “Don’t Worry We’ll Get Back To Your Nasal Congestion Pretty Soon”

Dr. Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, reassures allergy sufferers that he has not forgotten about them.

By Croak,

WASHINGTON, DC — Dr. Anthony Fauci addressed the nation’s allergy sufferers on Monday at a press conference.

“As head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, I have directed our agency’s resources toward combating the deadly coronavirus. We’ll return to addressing our allergy mandate when the pandemic has passed.” Dr. Fauci said at a press conference.

“Until then, try some Benadryl. I also heard some good things about Zyrtec.” Dr. Fauci added.

In An Unprecedented Move, President Trump Declares Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl LV champions.

President Donald Trump waves a Terrible Towel—a symbol of the Pittsburgh Steelers—at a campaign rally in Butler, PA where he announced the Steelers as victors of Super LV before even half the NFL season games have been recorded.

By Croak,

PITTSBURGH, PA — In a stunning decision, President Trump has shocked the sports world by crowning the Pittsburgh Steelers NFL champions for the 2020-21 season.

“I think we’ve seen enough. What’s their record? 7-0? Incredible. They’re in the lead, they’re in the lead, we can shut the whole thing down now” Trump remarked at a campaign rally in Butler, PA where he made the announcement.

In fact, according to Elias Sports Bureau, the Steelers are the 31st team to start out at least 7-0 in the Super Bowl era. Of the 30 squads before this season, only six have gone on to hoist the Lombardi Trophy. Another seven have gone on to lose the championship game.

Also, according to Elias, at no other time in sports history has a team been declared season victor before counting every game through the championship.

Responding to the president’s decision, NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, replied “We won’t declare a Super Bowl winner until every game is played, including the Super Bowl.”

When asked whether he would accept the outcome of Super Bowl LV, scheduled for Feb. 7 2021, Trump responded, “We’ll have to see, we’ll see what happens.”

Amazon to Offer Prime Prewill Delivery

By Croak,

SEATTLE — To celebrate this year’s Prime Day, Amazon announces the availability of Prime Prewill Delivery Service, the company’s solution to the agonizing wait customers endure before they are even aware they want a product.  “Prime Prewill Delivery Service delivers goods straight to customers’ doors without having to lift a finger.  No website, app, smart speaker, or free will required”, said the company through spokesperson Ayana Humphrey.

“At Amazon, we are always striving to deliver the fastest and most convenient shopping experience.  By harnessing the power of Amazon Web Services with our world class artificial intelligence Alexa, we have raised the bar for delivery speed and precognition”, Humphrey continued.

The program was piloted in the Kansas City metro region, where it was a huge success. 

Lee Danders, 54, of Roeland Park had rave reviews.  “All my necessities: toothpaste, toilet paper, shaving cream, you name it, right at my door.  Just a few less things to worry about, so I can focus on things I care about most, like my fantasy League of Legends league.  I’m trying to decide between drafting Aphromoo or Reckles first this year, or should I follow my brother’s strategy of sticking with the Koreans?”

Shawna Mitts, 32, of Sugar Creek came away similarly impressed.  “I’m responsible for all the gift giving in my house.  All of it.  Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, you name it.  I love how Prewill just picks something for me and delivers it to friends and relatives, with customized wishes even.  It was kind of wild everyone got life-sized Michael B. Jordan cut outs.  Who knew?  Amazon that’s who.”

The pilot had some hiccups as well.  As when Arvin Singh, 72, of Gladstone MO received a twelve-pack of rainbow training bras.  “All my daughters are grown and have left the house, they’re not married now, no kids.  Who needs this?  My wife can’t use a training bra; I don’t need a training bra.  And why twelve?  And why rainbows?  What is Amazon trying to tell me about myself?”  As of publication time, Mr. Singh, an aspiring blues banjo player, has decided to keep the bras, “who knows when they might come in handy.”

Amazon spokesperson Humphrey acknowledged the service is constantly tweaking and improving, “we can’t stop perfecting, we literally can never stop.”  Humphrey later added that she was on her ninth cup of coffee that morning, a pace she has to maintain to drink down the 60 pound bag of beans delivered by Prime Prewill Delivery.  “Yeah, I’m not stopping, are you stopping Steph?  How about you Min?  Are you stopping?  Nobody’s stopping.  Who’s stopping?!  We won’t stop until Mr. Bezos tells us we can stop or until we deliver the instant consumer pre-gratification every person on the planet isn’t yet aware they are longing for.”

A fly in the ointment

By Croak,

“All the efforts of the human mind cannot exhaust the essence of a single fly.”

Thomas Aquinas

The fly was hilarious, but it’s pathetic that in what should have been one of the most consequential VP debates in American history (both candidates having a very high probability of taking over office should they win), the most memorable moment was a fly on Pence’s head.

Well, I’m sure all the good jokes are taken by now—everything from shit to white trash to Trump’s campaign being a corpse—so I’m left with a quote from Thomas Aquinas that I had to look up. Yet it somehow encapsulates the futility of the debate.

Both candidates refused to answer any substantive policy questions, Pence was the more evasive since he has no defense for the indefensible. Kamala’s sidestep of the court packing question will probably be on grievance repeat by conservative media, but liberals should do the same with Pence’s filibustering of the power transition question.

If Trump does die of COVID and loses the election, I believe Pence will accept the certified election results. Though maybe with some kind of side deal to avoid punishment for any investigations that will follow a transition of power.

Which brings us to an interesting point. If Biden-Harris win, what will they do with the many crimes of the Trump administration. My guess is they will primarily rely on SDNY to carry out justice. Biden will want to move forward on a message of unity; “going after” Trump will contradict that message. Besides, by the time a new AG is sworn in, that person will be taking out the trash for a while. I’m getting ahead of myself and spitballing here. But it’s important that justice, at the federal level, is done here but the politics will be messy.

Back to the debate, listening to swing voters after the debate was frustrating. That some are still vacillating between two very different visions of America is flabbergasting. But with Trump’s illness and Biden’s age at issue in this election, more Americans may be basing their vote on this year’s VP candidates. In that case, they may convince themselves that Pence seems reasonable after all or is at least an acceptable cover for their bigotry.

Pence may have not helped himself with women by bulldozing through his time and talking over both Harris and moderator Susan Page, but that didn’t bother enough suburban women back in 2016. For them, the mask may be off Trump, but is it off Pence yet? I like to think so, but it’s scary to consider that Trump’s decline in health may actually work to Democrats’ disadvantage in 2020. Let’s hope Trump appears just healthy and just crazy enough past November 3rd to scare anyone off Pence.